lonecity.com

It is funny how seems to be able to bring a whole crap load of things to my door all at once.  It is just cruel how karma pays me back for every good thing I try with something bad.  I’ve mentioned before on my blog about how my dad has had a recent heart attack.  Spending months in hospitals and now unable to work has left him with little remaining but bills.  I found out that he was selling his car(s) to make ends meet.  A logical thing given he can no longer drive and he is still months away from getting any kind of help from uncle sam. 

I decided I would buy one of his cars.  It was a win win situation I thought.  A former mechanic his cars are bound to be in great condition, I can help him out by giving a more than fair price for the car, and it was an excuse for me to get to see him.  The old man lives several hundred miles away so we don’t see each other often.  All seemed to be well.

My current car is nearing the end of its life and I needed a new car.  Since time for renewal was drawing near I thought I’ll get the new car, get it licensed and then sell the old one before its time to renew.  Everything seemed to be going perfectly.  It turns out I had to put rear brake shoes on the car I bought before I could get it licensed but aside from the cost it went ok. 

Now a week after I’ve made the switch I’m driving the new car on the highway and the brakes locked up tighter than crap.  I skidded off the road thinking I’ve got a flat tire.  Got out looked it over but there was no flat.  I thought I might have hit something that made me skid, so I got back in and drove.  The car drove ok the rest of the way home.  I was a bit worried but had conviced myself it was nothing.  Later that night I needed to run to the store.  I got about half mile from the house and they locked up again.  This time I could tell what it was because they didn’t unlock.  The car is unable to move and I can’t even tow it home myself because the wheels won’t turn at all.

Its really a minor problem thought it might be expensive to fix.  Its probably my fault because I did the brakes so I could get it passed safety inspection.  The thing is that its upsetting to know trying to do something good turned into a nasty expense and a couple of really stressful days. 

I had promised the old car to my younger sister and now I won’t be able to fufil that promise.  Since it passed emissions and safety with no problems, I have to get it licensed and keep driving it until I can get enough money together to fix the new car.  I’ve dipped into my credit for another 500 already just so I can keep going to work.  Had I already given her the car it could have been worse.  (again doing something nice would have come back to bite me in the ass)

Its nothing throwing a little more money at wont fix, just I’ve reached the point where there isn’t much money (or credit) left to throw.  Instead of looking for a better job, looking for a second job is probably on the menu.

Recently I’ve been thinking alot about changing jobs.  Some people seem to be able to accomplish this simple task almost on a whim.  I get really hung up on making such massive life change though.  I took a job that requires me to drive for nearly an hour each way when my last employer went under.  The severance package I got from my previous employer was quite nice and I found myself getting double paychecks for several months after changing jobs.  This huge extra income masked the true expense of traveling so far just enough that I didn’t realize exactly how bad it was until after I got settled into the new rut.  The sad truth is that the only real reason I chose this new job is because it was easy.  Someone I knew offered me the position and I didn’t have to apply so I took it.  I’m the hardest working lazy person you’ll ever meet.

With gas prices stedily climbing I’ve started to realize that I’m going to have to get serious about making a real job (and life) change soon.  Here’s the math that’s getting me proof of the need to change. 

Lets say I were to take a job making minimum wage at about $7 an hour, but I only walk 5 minutes to work and I work for 10 hours a day five days a week.  ($7 x 40 = $280) + ($10.50 x 10 = $105) = $385 per week.

Now lets figure out my $12 an hour job at 38 hours per week (never any overtime)  I get $456 per week on my check.  From that $456 you take away the $72 a week I spend in gas money and you come out with  $384 per week.  Seems about equal in the pay, but I am working 12 less hours a week right?  No  because I’m spending 2 hours a day driving to and from work.  Even though I am not actually at work I have to spend 10 hours a week of my own personal time unpaid driving to and from my job.  The reality is that its a break even situation.  I’m probably losing money already if you throw in vehicle maintenance and associated costs.

Where the scale is tipping balance is that the price for gas has gone up half a dollar in the last year.  So the $72 a week I spend in gas is now closer to $82 per week.  Throw in that I’m sure I can get a job closer to home that pays more than minimum wage and you see how it simply isn’t economical to travel to work anymore.

I wouldn’t want anyone reading this to think I’m just another stupid american bitching about the price of gas.  The truth is I think the cost of gas going up is a great thing.  I wish it would get closer to $15 a gallon.  The blind masses of the american people will never open their eyes to the damage they are doing to the environment with their millions of cars polluting the atmosphere.  I can’t blame that entirely on people bing stupid though.  It is more the nature and tendancy of people to follow along the easiest path.  Its just easier to drive to work than to ride the bus.   I hate to admit it, but I’m one of those people blindly following the same path.

I used to think about global warming and wonder when the end of the world would come.  You see I could see that we were polluting the earth, but I couldn’t see how the earth was going to fight back.  It seemed the planet was destined to lose the battle and we were going to be the eventual downfall of ourselves.  I know all about the prinicpal of equilibrium but I couldn’t see its effect on a global scale.  With the rise in gas prices I’m starting to get a glympse of how equilibrium will balance the pollution with lack of natural resources.  A little too much of the Polar Ice caps may have melted to make me comfortable with the situation, but at least I see there is a chance the earth might survive yet.

Now I just need to do my part and get over my fear of change.  I need to get that new job closer to home.  Its whats right for me.  Its whats right for the planet.  I just wonder what this invisible barrier that holds me back is.  I know its fear, but I can’t comprehend the full scope of where it comes from and how to defeat it.  If I could just conquor this deep seeded fear I would become a truly great human bieng.  (albiet still an asshole, but there’s no cure for that)

I wrote a post to my blog a number of weeks back about how my father had suffered a heart attack.  Its been more than two months now and he is still in the hospital.  He was released twice, only to return just one day after discharge both times.  Internal bleeding keeps filling his chest cavity and putting pressure on his lungs to the point where he cannot breathe.  The poor guy is a pincusion full of tubes and wires.  They’ve opened his chest and relocated veins.  They’ve put tubes in through his back to drain out fluids.  They’ve put in stints, and even sprayed talk powder inside of him to clog up the leaks.  You’ve got to admit it sounds more like a diy plumbing job than a heart surgury.

There are different kinds of people in this world.  Some just naturally know how to have fun, while others were simply bread to be slaves.  Its rare, or maybe even impossible to change your lot in life.  Lying in bed he is still thinking about going back to work.  He is weighing all his options and trying to figure how he can move into management so that his knowledge is still useable where he knows he can’t continue to do heavy lifting.  Whats worse is that deep down I know I caught that terrible ailment known as workaholism.  I’ve made up my mind from watching my dad go through this that I will break the workaholic curse and become someone who is fun.  Or die trying…

There are so many things I want to do someday and I’ve been thinking about taking a vacation.  No not the kind of taking days off that I have done in the past, but really taking a vacation.  I’m concidering a princess cruise.  I know I’m kind of young but it really sounds appealing to me.  Not bieng a sporty type I can see myself getting into a game of shuffleboard.  There is alot of deep seeded fear I will have to overcome to make it a reality though.

Some of the toughest things that will keep me from boarding the Grand Princess and cruising off into the tropics are the sun and the water.  Its not like I mind doing a days work, but I have to keep out of the sun to really do at my best.  I see laborers on rooftops with their dark tans and bulging muscles.  They seem not to be affected by the sun.  Put me out in direct sunlight and I start to feel tired.  A headache ensues, and eventually I become a worthless lump seeking the darkness for shelter.  I dare say in the roofing trade I’d become a rasin or a prune in no time. 

I know that on a cruise ship a big part of the adventure is on deck.  I can see myself at night in the tropics out on deck, but during the day I don’t see it happening.  Is there some sort of trick to enjoing the sunlight that I’m missing?  In my daily life I have to work during the day and sleep at night.  These are required to maintain the flow.  On a cruiz ship I wonder if the opposite is acceptable.  I would have no problem sleeping the day away and partying all night.  I just wonder if I’d be up at 3am while all the entertainment is closed and everyone else is sleeping.  I know there are activities below deck, but I’m not one for gambling.  I tried it when I was younger.  The thought of giving away so much of my hard earned money for so little entertainment makes me sick.  Aside from that I don’t know what else they could offer that would really entertain me.  (unless they have cheap hookers…)  Most everything else I can do here at home and have just as much fun.

Besides the sun theres also the water.  Having inherited every other poor condition my fathers gene’s could pass on I’m sure seasickness is among the plagues I have yet to discover.  I know I don’t handle airplane travel well.  I don’t think its a matter of the plane rocking that makes me sick so much as its a matter of the people.  Bieng packed in a can in some sort of cultist sardineism with tainted air supply uncontrollable temperature and massively violated personal space all add to the overwhelming distaste.  I’d much rather drive for three days than fly for just a few hours.  I don’t know if I get seasick or not, but finding out in the middle of the ocean days away from dry land is not what I call smart.  I know that they have pills for that sort of thing.  The underlying problem there is that I don’t want to spend a week doped up on pills pretending to have fun.  I want to go and have some real enjoyment.

So this leads me back to the rut I’m stuck in.  I want to go on a princess cruise.  I want to have fun.  I’m not sure I would have any fun.  If I had a trophy wife slash sexual acrobat to take along I’m sure I would.  This puts me back to going to work every day trying to earn the cash to be filthy rich.  If I have a ton of money the hot chick wife who only wants me for my money isn’t far off.  Then the cruise.  Following that logic I end up just like my dad.  In the hospital from a heart attack still trying to make my fortune so I can eventually get to the fun part. 

So how to break the cycle?  Should I give up on the cruise and find something else fun?  The problem is that I don’t enjoy the all same types of things that other people do.  I’ve been bread not to have fun going to bars and drinking.  I get satisfaction from doing a job well.  Maybe its a grass is greaner complex but I just feel like I can’t have fun like other people do.  What do you all think?  Should I just say screw it and blow five grand on a glorified boat ride just to see if I like it?