lonecity.com

It is funny how seems to be able to bring a whole crap load of things to my door all at once.  It is just cruel how karma pays me back for every good thing I try with something bad.  I’ve mentioned before on my blog about how my dad has had a recent heart attack.  Spending months in hospitals and now unable to work has left him with little remaining but bills.  I found out that he was selling his car(s) to make ends meet.  A logical thing given he can no longer drive and he is still months away from getting any kind of help from uncle sam. 

I decided I would buy one of his cars.  It was a win win situation I thought.  A former mechanic his cars are bound to be in great condition, I can help him out by giving a more than fair price for the car, and it was an excuse for me to get to see him.  The old man lives several hundred miles away so we don’t see each other often.  All seemed to be well.

My current car is nearing the end of its life and I needed a new car.  Since time for renewal was drawing near I thought I’ll get the new car, get it licensed and then sell the old one before its time to renew.  Everything seemed to be going perfectly.  It turns out I had to put rear brake shoes on the car I bought before I could get it licensed but aside from the cost it went ok. 

Now a week after I’ve made the switch I’m driving the new car on the highway and the brakes locked up tighter than crap.  I skidded off the road thinking I’ve got a flat tire.  Got out looked it over but there was no flat.  I thought I might have hit something that made me skid, so I got back in and drove.  The car drove ok the rest of the way home.  I was a bit worried but had conviced myself it was nothing.  Later that night I needed to run to the store.  I got about half mile from the house and they locked up again.  This time I could tell what it was because they didn’t unlock.  The car is unable to move and I can’t even tow it home myself because the wheels won’t turn at all.

Its really a minor problem thought it might be expensive to fix.  Its probably my fault because I did the brakes so I could get it passed safety inspection.  The thing is that its upsetting to know trying to do something good turned into a nasty expense and a couple of really stressful days. 

I had promised the old car to my younger sister and now I won’t be able to fufil that promise.  Since it passed emissions and safety with no problems, I have to get it licensed and keep driving it until I can get enough money together to fix the new car.  I’ve dipped into my credit for another 500 already just so I can keep going to work.  Had I already given her the car it could have been worse.  (again doing something nice would have come back to bite me in the ass)

Its nothing throwing a little more money at wont fix, just I’ve reached the point where there isn’t much money (or credit) left to throw.  Instead of looking for a better job, looking for a second job is probably on the menu.

During this last week I actually took a day off from work and went to a theme park.  It was for me kind of a strange experience.  After my dad had his heart attack I decided come hell or high water I am going to make time to have some fun.  I caught a glympse of myself going down the same path he did, working every day and waiting for life to be over.  So this time when the opportunity to spend a day on the rides came up I said “Screw the job, I’m going.”  I have to admit that it felt good. 

As I walked through the park thoughts of the last time I visited came back and I realized just how long it has been.  Rides I went on last time aren’t there anymore.  Dozens of new roller coasters have sprung up.  Going on a thursday morning I realized just how many people are able to do thngs like that regularly where this was a once in a decade visit for me. The park was positively packed with people and it wasn’t even a weekend.

I don’t really have a profound thought to put foreward in todays blog.  I feel totally relaxed and ready to go back to the grind for at least a few more days.  I spent the better part of the day trying to keep my nephew from getting onto rides he shouldn’t and convincing my niece to get on rides she should.  (she’s positively terrified of even the kiddie rides)  I had to bribe her to get onto each of them that I managed to get her to ride.  Once she rides them I’m sure next year they’ll be fond memories and she will want to ride them but she needed alot of prodding to get her past the fear.  I even managed to get my mom onto the tilt-a-whirl.  She needed quite abit of convincing that she wasn’t too old to go on the rides as well.

Aside from that I visited a few of the bigger roller coasters, and spent a while on a water park bench.  There is a certain wonderment that only comes from watching young ladies in string bikinis playing amidst the water.  I’ve always been too worthless to go and join them, but the simple pleasure of viewing the spectacle is something I will never deny myself of. 

All in all the experience was a right solid good day.  Even if I did feel out of place. 

Recently I’ve been thinking alot about changing jobs.  Some people seem to be able to accomplish this simple task almost on a whim.  I get really hung up on making such massive life change though.  I took a job that requires me to drive for nearly an hour each way when my last employer went under.  The severance package I got from my previous employer was quite nice and I found myself getting double paychecks for several months after changing jobs.  This huge extra income masked the true expense of traveling so far just enough that I didn’t realize exactly how bad it was until after I got settled into the new rut.  The sad truth is that the only real reason I chose this new job is because it was easy.  Someone I knew offered me the position and I didn’t have to apply so I took it.  I’m the hardest working lazy person you’ll ever meet.

With gas prices stedily climbing I’ve started to realize that I’m going to have to get serious about making a real job (and life) change soon.  Here’s the math that’s getting me proof of the need to change. 

Lets say I were to take a job making minimum wage at about $7 an hour, but I only walk 5 minutes to work and I work for 10 hours a day five days a week.  ($7 x 40 = $280) + ($10.50 x 10 = $105) = $385 per week.

Now lets figure out my $12 an hour job at 38 hours per week (never any overtime)  I get $456 per week on my check.  From that $456 you take away the $72 a week I spend in gas money and you come out with  $384 per week.  Seems about equal in the pay, but I am working 12 less hours a week right?  No  because I’m spending 2 hours a day driving to and from work.  Even though I am not actually at work I have to spend 10 hours a week of my own personal time unpaid driving to and from my job.  The reality is that its a break even situation.  I’m probably losing money already if you throw in vehicle maintenance and associated costs.

Where the scale is tipping balance is that the price for gas has gone up half a dollar in the last year.  So the $72 a week I spend in gas is now closer to $82 per week.  Throw in that I’m sure I can get a job closer to home that pays more than minimum wage and you see how it simply isn’t economical to travel to work anymore.

I wouldn’t want anyone reading this to think I’m just another stupid american bitching about the price of gas.  The truth is I think the cost of gas going up is a great thing.  I wish it would get closer to $15 a gallon.  The blind masses of the american people will never open their eyes to the damage they are doing to the environment with their millions of cars polluting the atmosphere.  I can’t blame that entirely on people bing stupid though.  It is more the nature and tendancy of people to follow along the easiest path.  Its just easier to drive to work than to ride the bus.   I hate to admit it, but I’m one of those people blindly following the same path.

I used to think about global warming and wonder when the end of the world would come.  You see I could see that we were polluting the earth, but I couldn’t see how the earth was going to fight back.  It seemed the planet was destined to lose the battle and we were going to be the eventual downfall of ourselves.  I know all about the prinicpal of equilibrium but I couldn’t see its effect on a global scale.  With the rise in gas prices I’m starting to get a glympse of how equilibrium will balance the pollution with lack of natural resources.  A little too much of the Polar Ice caps may have melted to make me comfortable with the situation, but at least I see there is a chance the earth might survive yet.

Now I just need to do my part and get over my fear of change.  I need to get that new job closer to home.  Its whats right for me.  Its whats right for the planet.  I just wonder what this invisible barrier that holds me back is.  I know its fear, but I can’t comprehend the full scope of where it comes from and how to defeat it.  If I could just conquor this deep seeded fear I would become a truly great human bieng.  (albiet still an asshole, but there’s no cure for that)

As a child I was fortunate to have grown up in a most unique position.  Its true that some of the things that went into my childhood have made me into what I would call a broken man.  I don’t seem to be able to function quite right in and around others.  Still some of the things I went through as a child have also made me see things from a unique perspective.  Without going into much detail I will say that I was raised home built at the turn of the century (1890’s).  This house was a spectacular marvel compared to the more modern homes my few friends inhabited. 

Built by or for a polygamist mormon family the home had all sorts of hidden passages, and it was quite spacious.  Three floors and 10 bedrooms.  There was a bomb shelter that ran under the backyard, and a secret tunnel from the bomb shelter that ran to an adjoining one at the neighbors house.  The next door house was built at the same time, but of the two homes mine was lived in, while the one next door was declared a historical landmark.  It had been fixed up, preserved, and used mostly to show off.

Also due to my situation I was mostly alone for my childhood.  I always had a roof over my head in this big house, but my parents weren’t around.  I lived with my grandmother.  From about the time I was eight years old she was in a wheelchair so I had almost complete freedom to do whatever I wanted growing up.  There are some stories there that I won’t go into, but suffice it to say I’d probably still be in prison for some of the stupid shit I did as a teenager.

My grandfather was a world war II veteran, but he died sometime before I took up residence in my grandmothers house.  Since the lowest floor of the house was not connected to the top two floors it was mostly used to store all the junk my grandparents had.  A basement full of tube radios, tools, and various life accessories from the 40’s.  There was a whole room full of bottled fruit food storage, and I’m sure some of it probably dated all the way back to when my grandfather was still alive.  There were also giant wooden racks with screens that were built for drying fruit. 

What I am getting to is an observation about something I witnessed often as a child.  In back of the house we had at least half dozen golden delicious apple trees.  As a child I would often climb a tree, sit up there picking and eating apples right from the tree.  The few adults who would come around would pick apples and bring them into the house.  I guess in their lives they had been taught to pick the apples and preserve them so that in times of hardship there would be food.  Something I vaguely understood but I am sure most children and people my age won’t even grasp.  It was more of a way of life than a weekend project.

Any number of times in my life I have seen a basket of fresh apples set on a table while the best ones are taken away and eventually the worst looking ones turn to rot and were thrown out.  With so many producing trees and never selling the apples there were plenty to spare.  I remember an experience recently as I bought golden delicious apples at the grocery store and thinking back to my childhood.  I probably paid more than a dollar per apple for the good looking ones.  Knowing that I am sure the trees in my grandmothers house probably produced five to ten thousand dollars worth of fruit each year.

I’ve wandered off topic again, but what I wanted to talk about in my blog today is how an apple rots.  You see if you set an apple on the counter and leave it long enough the inside will turn brown.  Then the  skin will turn dark yellow.  Eventually it turns mushy and almost black.  Of course it never gets to that stage before thosands of tiny fruit flys appear.  It is this phoenomenon that my observation relates to.  Where exactly do these tiny fruit flys come from?  Why does the fruit start to rot in the center first?  I suspect the answer lies in the fact that the rot is and always has been there inside the core. 

This truth is in all things.  Humans are just like fruit.  We are born, we ripen, then we rot and we get recycled back into the earth.  It may seem like a far off topic, but I’m thinking of life in general and my life in this great country as I write this.  I love the united states and I genuinely believe this is the greatest place in the world.  However I also have seen the rot that exists within our core and I know that even though the apple isn’t showing brown the maggots are there.  Within our politics, our religeons, and amongst our people the corruption is growing.  As much as I love my country I know she is a beautiful animal that is eventually fated to die.

After 9/11 this country changed.  While everything feels the same to the blind masses, some of the mechanisms behind the machine were changed out.  A person used to be able to go get a bank account, find a job, go shopping, and live day to day without the government interfering in our lives.  The fear created by 9/11 has changed that.  At this time to get a bank account you must indentify yourself to the bank so the government can track your money.   To get a job you must have a bank account in order to get paid.  To go shopping even for the essentials you have to have money and so just to live you must always be  under uncle sam’s watchful eyes. 

I don’t really know why exactly, but somewhere along the way I made the decision that I want to establish a second identity.  I want to put together a name, a bank account, a credit card, maybe even a social security or tax id number that belongs to a ficiticious person.  I don’t really have any intent to do wrong with this identity.  I just see so much of the corruption and the decay in society today that I feel like to be safe I need to do this. 

Its probably the same instinct that has crazy nut jobs stockpiling weaponry in their basments. (note to self add buy guns to task list…)  Still I am going to go on with this idea at some point.  I looked around the net for some ideas and I’ve decided it will probably take between two thousand and ten thousand dollars to truly establish a totally unique identity.  At this point I don’t have have even the two thousand to spare so I won’t proceed right away.  I suspect the ten thousand mark is more likely to be a realistic figure.  I do intend to make this blog into a multi post series documenting my progress.  The next post on this topic will likely be in a few months when I have saved enough money to take the first step.

In the mean time, while I am squirreling away money I would like to have your comments and ideas.  I can see how to create an income online with some work.  I have some ideas on how to establish a bank account without an ID.  I feel like to make this really a success though I need to find a way to get a legitmate ID under a bogus name.  Any thoughts on how this might be done?  Also, how do you all suppose I should chose the name of my new identity?  Maybe something with a hidden hacker meaning would be cool.  (to be continued in part 2…)

I’ve always had a tendancy to stand back from things.  This tendancy has kept me from doing alot in my life.  Last week I blogged about wanting to go on a cruise.  It is still, and probably always will be on my mind.  Unless I hit the lottery there’s no chance of that wish becoming a reality.  BTW, I don’t gamble…  There’s many things I wish I had done and many I wish I hadn’t.  Still this tendancy to hold back isn’t always a bad thing.  I am able to see things from an outside perspective in almost any group argument because I never get in the middle.  I suppose I would make a good judge or arbiter.  This outside perspective often falls upon other things besides arguments. 

What prompted this blog entry was nothing more than a few second clip of video I stumbled across.  Prior to now I have admitted that I am an Anime fan.  I would go so far as to say I am in love with the japanese culture.  The particular clip that caught my eye and set of this train of thought was from Memiors of a Geisha.  The clip itself was nothing special.  Someone had taken a song and mixed it with video from the film.  Poorly I might add…  Where this outside perspective came in was thinking about how beautiful some of the things that come from the geisha lifestyle are. 

There is no doubt in my mind that the abuses suffered by young girls who are or were sold into the geisha life are terrible.  There is also little doubt that in the modern world such abuse will eventually be forced to its end.  As society grows so does communication and eventually outrageous acts will be seen and prevented before they can take seed.  On the surface this is a good thing.  Now I know you are thinking there is no way that ending abuse is a bad thing thing, and you are right.  However deep below the surface we as a society will lose something along with it. 

When you put a piece of wood on a lathe and turn it you create a representation of the balance in all things.  If there is an ugly scar on one side of the wood and you cut in to remove it, you inevitably cut away a beautiful piece that lies just on the other side.  This balance exists within all things.  It is the principal of yin and yang and more fundimentally equilibrium.   The force behind this balance controls electricity and the very nature of the universe.  The balance of energy between positive and negative lies at the very hart of the atomic structure that makes up every fibre of our existence.

I’m not saying its right to beat a troop of young girls into geisha’s.  I am saying the practice once extinguished will leave behind a hollow shell where once a great beauty resided.  Sure there will probably be for decades or even century’s woman who proclaim to carry on the geisha tradition.  They may keep the face paint and practice the story but in the end the true soul will pass on.  The heart of the truest beauty is bound inseperably to the pain and suffering of those enslaved.

I don’t always see things from the outside perspective but on occasion I have glimpsed it.  This intangable bond between beauty and pain can be seen or rather heard quite clearly in the greatest of music.  Think of all the great artists who have died from drug overdoses and suicides.  There is some pain deep within all of them that drove them to their eventual end.  It is at the height of great pain and the deepest point of suffering that the music begins to resonate with the hearts of so many.  Without this struggle an artist’s work becomes bland and falls into the medium. 

I could name many examples of artists who at their debut had a tremendous hit and upon gaining the fame and fortune of a big record they became content.  The money or the fame settled this deep pain within their hearts and their new music lost its edge.  Those who continue to constantly top the charts seem all to be plagued by drug addiction or some other problem that simply cannot be solved with fortune and fame.  Even going back as far as Mozart and Beethoven the pattern of suffering resonating with artistic prowess holds true.  This balance I speak of resounds through all forms of art.  Van Gough was in so much inner turmoil he was lopping off body parts.

I leave this post not with my idea for a solution, but rather my prediction for the future.  As time goes on parents will no longer be able to beat their children into ballet dancers and pianists.  School counselors will be so well equipped that they will be able to solve the problems of teens who want to drop out, get high, and play music.  In the end society will advance so much that nothing of value will ever happen.   The eventuality will be the extinction of mankind through sheer boredom, or our one in a billion shot at a reset through a catastrophic global event that devolves us back to the stone age.

There is no such thing as a superhero without an equivalent villain.  While plenty of darkness still prevails in the world today I have to wonder. Is it truly right to eliminate it?  What motiviates and inspires us to do more, to create, to be great?  Necessity is the mother of invention.  If something doesn’t bother you, you will never find the power to change it.  Perhaps most of all this post describes patriotism.  The united states was born upon labor of prisoners and slaves.  The evils that must have existed at its birth have fostered the fighting spirit of this great country.  Unfortunately the seed that will broach its eventual destruction has been sewn in the fabric from the very beginning.  This seed is the opposite of innovation and insiration.  This poison seed is known as religion. For no other thing desires more to find the perfect balance.  An end to evil that will truly bring about the apocolypse.

I wrote a post to my blog a number of weeks back about how my father had suffered a heart attack.  Its been more than two months now and he is still in the hospital.  He was released twice, only to return just one day after discharge both times.  Internal bleeding keeps filling his chest cavity and putting pressure on his lungs to the point where he cannot breathe.  The poor guy is a pincusion full of tubes and wires.  They’ve opened his chest and relocated veins.  They’ve put tubes in through his back to drain out fluids.  They’ve put in stints, and even sprayed talk powder inside of him to clog up the leaks.  You’ve got to admit it sounds more like a diy plumbing job than a heart surgury.

There are different kinds of people in this world.  Some just naturally know how to have fun, while others were simply bread to be slaves.  Its rare, or maybe even impossible to change your lot in life.  Lying in bed he is still thinking about going back to work.  He is weighing all his options and trying to figure how he can move into management so that his knowledge is still useable where he knows he can’t continue to do heavy lifting.  Whats worse is that deep down I know I caught that terrible ailment known as workaholism.  I’ve made up my mind from watching my dad go through this that I will break the workaholic curse and become someone who is fun.  Or die trying…

There are so many things I want to do someday and I’ve been thinking about taking a vacation.  No not the kind of taking days off that I have done in the past, but really taking a vacation.  I’m concidering a princess cruise.  I know I’m kind of young but it really sounds appealing to me.  Not bieng a sporty type I can see myself getting into a game of shuffleboard.  There is alot of deep seeded fear I will have to overcome to make it a reality though.

Some of the toughest things that will keep me from boarding the Grand Princess and cruising off into the tropics are the sun and the water.  Its not like I mind doing a days work, but I have to keep out of the sun to really do at my best.  I see laborers on rooftops with their dark tans and bulging muscles.  They seem not to be affected by the sun.  Put me out in direct sunlight and I start to feel tired.  A headache ensues, and eventually I become a worthless lump seeking the darkness for shelter.  I dare say in the roofing trade I’d become a rasin or a prune in no time. 

I know that on a cruise ship a big part of the adventure is on deck.  I can see myself at night in the tropics out on deck, but during the day I don’t see it happening.  Is there some sort of trick to enjoing the sunlight that I’m missing?  In my daily life I have to work during the day and sleep at night.  These are required to maintain the flow.  On a cruiz ship I wonder if the opposite is acceptable.  I would have no problem sleeping the day away and partying all night.  I just wonder if I’d be up at 3am while all the entertainment is closed and everyone else is sleeping.  I know there are activities below deck, but I’m not one for gambling.  I tried it when I was younger.  The thought of giving away so much of my hard earned money for so little entertainment makes me sick.  Aside from that I don’t know what else they could offer that would really entertain me.  (unless they have cheap hookers…)  Most everything else I can do here at home and have just as much fun.

Besides the sun theres also the water.  Having inherited every other poor condition my fathers gene’s could pass on I’m sure seasickness is among the plagues I have yet to discover.  I know I don’t handle airplane travel well.  I don’t think its a matter of the plane rocking that makes me sick so much as its a matter of the people.  Bieng packed in a can in some sort of cultist sardineism with tainted air supply uncontrollable temperature and massively violated personal space all add to the overwhelming distaste.  I’d much rather drive for three days than fly for just a few hours.  I don’t know if I get seasick or not, but finding out in the middle of the ocean days away from dry land is not what I call smart.  I know that they have pills for that sort of thing.  The underlying problem there is that I don’t want to spend a week doped up on pills pretending to have fun.  I want to go and have some real enjoyment.

So this leads me back to the rut I’m stuck in.  I want to go on a princess cruise.  I want to have fun.  I’m not sure I would have any fun.  If I had a trophy wife slash sexual acrobat to take along I’m sure I would.  This puts me back to going to work every day trying to earn the cash to be filthy rich.  If I have a ton of money the hot chick wife who only wants me for my money isn’t far off.  Then the cruise.  Following that logic I end up just like my dad.  In the hospital from a heart attack still trying to make my fortune so I can eventually get to the fun part. 

So how to break the cycle?  Should I give up on the cruise and find something else fun?  The problem is that I don’t enjoy the all same types of things that other people do.  I’ve been bread not to have fun going to bars and drinking.  I get satisfaction from doing a job well.  Maybe its a grass is greaner complex but I just feel like I can’t have fun like other people do.  What do you all think?  Should I just say screw it and blow five grand on a glorified boat ride just to see if I like it?

About a year ago I finally broke down and bought an HDTV.   I really wanted one but I just couldn’t make myself pay the two or three thousand dollars that it was going to take to get one. I ran across a deal on a marked down return at sears and just couldn’t pass it up.  It isn’t a large tv by most peoples standards, but a 40″ sony LCD was big enough to put the itch to rest.  I payed just over a thousand for the set. 

Everyone knows that electronics go down in price rapidly as new ones come out.  Nowdays you can get visio’s and a few other brands with bigger screens than my sony for the same price as I got it on markdown for.  It really is a beautiful tv though, even if it isn’t the latest model with all the bells and whistles.  It does make for one hell of a cool monitor though.  I’m actually typing this blog on it right now. 

Anyhow what I wanted to blog about this week was the outrageous price of tv wall mount kits.  Now I know after having worked in retail for numerous years that the price of a product has nothing to do with what it is worth.  Pricing is directly correlated with how much the average sucker can be made to pay.  The guys going out and buying three thousand dollar tv sets obviously have big money they are able to spend.  Therefore the accessories cost big money.  Even if they are just a stamped steel bracket…

For the last year my big screen lcd tv has set atop a cheap plastic shelf that used to be home to my old small screen tv because I couldn’t bring myself to spend $150 or more on five dollars worth of steel.  As mentioned before, I have the computer connected to my tv.  I also have a ups system powering both.  (Uniterruptable power supply)  Yesterday it decided it was time to put in a new battery.  The UPS is a flea market special that I payed a dollar or two for so there is no chance I’m going to hunt down a new battery to go inside.  Unable to tolerate the beep every three seconds it became time to make a change.

Since I had decided I was going to have to get behind the tv stand and replace the UPS with a surge protector, and I knew the horror of wires and such I was about to enter I decided it was time to go all out and hang the tv from the wall.  I still haven’t overcome the unwillingness to pay $150 for a couple of metal bars, so I decided to head on down to the home depot and build my own tv wall mount bracket. 

Was it a success?  Well I’m typing this now, so you know the tv didn’t fall off the wall and break.  Was it cheaper?  Maybe,  I spent about $30 altogether for all the hardware.  The tv sets exactly where I wanted it, and it It looks great.  Then why only maybe?  Because it took me about fifteen hours from start to finish, counting in the hour or so I spent stopping off to grab a bite to eat.  Running back and forth to the hardware store, Drilling holes in the steel, designing it and redesigning it in my head, ect. 

Lets do the math here: 15 hours x $12 per hour + $30 in parts = $210.  Now I’m sure it would have taken me at least two hours to hang the tv even with a premade mount.  So the cost would be more like $175 if I had bought the mount.  At the end of the day, this diy project was more expensive to do it myself.  I have $120 more in the bank now because I concider it as having paid myself but it really wasn’t cheaper.  That is just one more day out of my life I spent working that I could have spent doing something fun. 

Overall the most important question is: Was it worth it?  This is a firm yes.  I’m a glutton for punishment I guess because even though I figure building the mount should be counted as work, at the end of the day and after looking back on it, I was doing something fun.

Just for posterity and to save anyone who stumbles on this article looking for information about building a tv wall mount some searching, here is what I finally settled on that worked and was strong enough.  There is a kind of metal beam that is sold that has clips to attach conduit to it.  I ended up buying one of those rails and cutting it into four pieces.  Two attached to the tv and two bolted to the wall.  Then I used the clips that attach to the conduit and two pieces of conduit to attach the rails from the back of the tv to the conduit, to the rails mounted on the wall.  Now if this were mounted on the cieling that would have been enough, but since it is mounted on the wall, the tv would slip down the channel if using just the clips.  The last part of the design was to drill a hole through all four rails in the same place on the sides.  I put a U-bolt through the rail, half inside and half outside.  That way as the tv slides down the rail the clips set onto the ubolts. 

I would post a picture, but there is no way I have the energy willpower or stupidity left to take the tv off the wall to take a snapshot today.  Perhaps that will be a topic for a future blog post.  How to build a tv wall mount for under $30…

A few posts back in my blog I admitted that I am an anime fan.  This may or may not seem like a big deal to all of you, but to me it is.  Why you ask?  Well I am a very private person.  I seldom reveal things about myself.  To speak out to the world and declare “I am an anime geek” is a pretty big thing to me.  To get a solid idea of what I mean you should think of it like going to the mall nude.  I have a hard time wanting anyone to see me that way. 

The thing that gets me past that hurdle is how much I want others to join me.  It is time the american people broke the stupidity factor and moved on to some more intellectual televison.  Now I’m not saying there isn’t some really stupid anime out there.  I’m just saying that even the worst anime is better than the torture we call American Idol, and Americas Next Top Model.  I recently found myself in a position where I was at someone’s house working on their computer.  At the same time they were in the room watching america’s top model.  I actually had to ask them to turn it off because it was giving me a headache.

The current crop of this crud is an offshoot of survivor who is the bastard child of daytime court tv.  With each generation the content gets worse and I am positive it has reached the point where there is no longer any value in it.  Reality tv is like smoking.  At first it gets people hooked with a bit of a buzz then they go back because they are addicted.  There never was anything good or cool about it.  I wonder if I can start the class action lawsuit for the mass brain damage that will certainly be pandemic.

Anyhow, I didn’t start this post wanting to talk about Reality Retardity Tv.  I just sort of went off tangent on a rant there.  sorry…  What I really wanted to blab about was how I’ve been spending my time lately.  I have been watching what my fellow nerds have coined “AMV’s.”  What is an AMV you ask, well its an acronym for Anime Music Video.  Basically some pasty skinned computer geeks with way too much time on their hands have found a hobby in taking clips of Anime and mashing them together with popular Music to make their own videos.

There are more than a few videos that are simply thrown together by some kid and arent of much value.  However there are also a few real gem’s I’ve come across.  I’ve decided to post the Youtube videos of a couple of my favorites here.

I gave some thought to making my own amv. I doubt it will happen, as I can see just how much effort has gone into making these. I don’t like to do anything half assed, and I’m sure I don’t have the time or patience to do full assed. But just maybe one day you’ll see one of mine. I do have the talent / skill to do it. I’ve also got some great ideas. I just find it far too easy to spend my precious time doing things either more or less productive. Anyhow, if you are so inclined, drop by youtube and have a look. Let me know what ones you like.

This post is for those of you who have managed to read my blog from the very beginning.  both of you.  By now you are probably thinking that I am an uncaring son of a bitch with virtually no redeeming qualities.  and you’d be right.  By this point I have taken the time in my weekly rant to bitch about just about everything that pisses me off.  Well at least everything that has pissed me off in the last couple of months.  I don’t have time to write an encyclopedia to encompass absolutely everything that pisses me off.  Today I dediced to do something different. I’m going to write about something I like.

Its time to bring out the dog and pony show.  Set up the circus tent.  Be prepared with the smoke and mirrors.  Its going to take more than just a little bit of magic to pull of this trick.  I’m about to try and convice people there is more to me than just your average everyday run of the mill asshole.  We’re going to need bigger mirrors and a lot more smoke!

I’ve decided to use today’s post to talk about one of my hobbies.  I am somwhat of an anime fan.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those card carrying geeks who you find in costumes at convention halls.  I’ve never been to an anime convetion.  Maybe I should take that back.  I am one of those card carrying geeks at heart.  I’ve never been to a convention, but not because I wouldn’t want to.  Just a number of other factors seem to coalesce just right within me to keep me away. 

I am a workaholic and have been one since my first conscious memory.  That is a horrible curse I got from my father.  The poor guy has gone to work every day of his life untill recently a heart attack physically prevented him from doing so.  Now he lays in bed thinking about how he can get to work and pay the bills.  A dreadfull curse indeed.  Like him I have a will to go and do more, but I find myself going to work and thinking about doing other things instead of actually doing them. 

If you couple the workaholic factor with the other trait of mine lazyness you get a combination that actively prevents me from ever doing anything fun.  Probably why I’m such an asshole.  And Yes thats right I am a lazy workaholic.  The two don’t seem to fit together, but both traits are prominent within me.  I get up in the morning and give my everything to my work.  Then when the workday is finally done I convert nicely into a couch potato just long enough to recouperate so I can do it again the next day. It is during my couch potato phase that the anime geek rears its ugly head.  Maybe that second trait could be called exhaustion rather than lazyness, but I know deep down the truth is the former.

If I’ve learned anything from watching my dad go through his heart attack it is that I don’t want to be a workaholic anymore.  I’ve approached every day of my life thinking that someday I will make my fortune and retire.  Then I will have the rest of my life to do all the things I wanted to do while I was going to work every day.  It seems the math doesn’t quite work out the way I had it figured though.  Should I manage to make my fortune before I die I’ll be so old it will have long passed the time to have any fun.

So now it comes to the question.  Am I strong enough to break the workaholic curse and become somone who is fun?  Am I going to make it to an anime convention this year?  Maybe if I do, I’ll post a picture of myself here wearing a bunny girl costume.  You can go wash your eyes, but the image of a pasty 30 something chubby white guy in a bunny girl costume is now forever burned into your mind.

With my anime collection approaching 700 dvd’s I guess its time I made the next step and moved on to full blown geektitude.  I think it will be a while before I move on to cosplay but I think I am ready to venture into the con world.  I guess for a first step arguing about what my favorite series is and what the worst one is in a crowded hall full of my kindred spirits might not be so bad.  For posterity, the best series is a toss up between Saikano and Haibane Renmei.  The worst is hard to say.  Fist of the north star comes to mind, but there were a few other series that were so bad that I couldn’t watch them all the way through.

Unlike most people, I have never really felt a strong emotional attachment to the people around me.  I’m not talking about complete strangers here, I’m talking about my immediate family.  I guess this probably spawns from my upbringing.  I’ve always suffered from a fierce bullishness and total self dependance.  You’re probably thinking wait, these can be good qualities?  Well I admit I am somewhat admired for my ability to take on almost any situation without any outside help.  The problem lies in the fact that I am totally incapable of asking for or accepting that help.  If my car is broken down, I fix it. If something heavy is needed to be lifted, I lift it.  The underlying element here is that I have severe trust issues.  It’s not that I enjoy fixing my own car, but I don’t feel comfortable letting someone else do it.  I don’t even feel comfortable letting someone else drive it.  I just can’t. 

What broght out this confession?  A few months back a co-worker of mine had her sister pass away.  Normally this wouldn’t even catch my interest, but I really feel alot of respect for this particular person.  In the last couple of years she is the only person I’ve worked with whom I feel is like me.  She is totally competent in every respect.  Having done a stint as an Air Force Mechanic the woman is like a brick.  She exudes confidence and there hasn’t been a single task that she hasn’t been able to handle.  I see her take on jobs that normally would have been given to me simply because nobody else could handle it.  She is also quite intelligent and I find that things I discuss with her she actually understands.  I often don’t converse with people simply because they aren’t in the same intellectual class as I am.  (on a side note, that is one reason I really love the internet. Online I have no problem finding people who match or exceed my intellect where in daily life I seldom find that is the case.)  Getting back to this co-worker, I’d say she would be wife material if it weren’t for the fact that she is much older than I am and having kids almost out of high school.  Her sister went into the hospital for a surgery and didn’t survive the anesthesia. 

I watched this woman whom I had almost thought to be unbreakable turn into a sobbing mess.  I, having little human attachment, was obviously not real understanding.  I tried to be of some comfort, but I honestly don’t understand the emotion she was going throgh.  I must have seemed cold and uncaring.  Probably because I am…

I think it must have been this incident that started me thinking about what it would take to break me emotionally.  I tend to sit back and see things from an outside perspective.  I didn’t have to wait long for something to come along that would test my curiosity in this respect.  Last year I lost a weeks worth of vacation time because I didn’t get around to taking it before my company determined I had accrued too much and they diposed it.    It’s not that I wouldn’t love a vacation, but I’ve made myself too damn irreplaceable at work.  I just can’t take time off.  The whole purpose of taking time off is to get some sort of relief.  The problem is that I have so much to do when I come back that taking time off actually causes me more stress than if I just keep working. 

I was determined that I wasn’t going to take a loss on any more paid vacation time so I decided to figure a way to take a few days here and there at non-busy times so I could use it up.  The first installment of two days plus a weekend came due last week.  I planned this thing for a month in advance.  I bought plane tickets and was going to a renaissance festival with my dad and younger brother.  According to them the turkey legs are good enough to die for.  They must not be lying because about a week and a half before my flight my brother called from the hospital where my dad was in the ICU.

I must really be a monster because unlike my co-worker I didn’t break down.  I didn’t even feel the urge to jump on a plane and head on down.  Instead I went to work and thought about how there was pretty much no chance I was getting one of those turkey legs now.  BTW, I am a triptophan junkie…  Don’t get me wrong.  I love my dad I just didn’t feel the need to rush there and sit in a hospital room. 

My brother is more like me than anyone in this world.  He’s a bit smarter than I am, but aside from that he thinks just like I do.   Despite growing up in different places, he has the same kind of ideas and the same technical skill.  If he hadn’t dropped out of school, probably for lack of interest, he would totally dwarf me in every respect.  I learned through this that he doesn’t suffer from the same uncaring disposition though.  While I was concearned about missing the festival and the little bit of a well deserved break, he sat in the hospital and worried for my father’s well bieng.  I guess I should be thankful that bieng a monster doesn’t run in my gene’s.  It’s just something I caught.

I waited it out until my flight was scheduled.  Come the day my flight was to leave I packed a bag with a few changes of clothing, a book, a pencil, and some graph paper.  I packed myself onto the plane with the other sardines and suffered through the trip.  I then spent my couple of days vacation mostly at the hospital.  My dad was still in ICU and sedated when I got there.  This is where I came to the conclusion that People are like fruit.  Looking at him he looked like he was a sheet on the mattress.  He had lost all color and with all the padding around him that he had sunk into he just looked like part of the bed. 

When a fruit is born it is always fresh looking.  Sometimes it has blemishes, but it always has a look of youth.  Then it separates from branch and begins the process of rotting.  It may get more lustre or color as it develops, but really it is already well on its way to the grave.  Humans are exactly the same way.  No matter how sickly we are born, we always look fresh at birth.  Separated from the cord we begin the process of life, but our growth is really just our bodies beginning to rot.  We may get bigger and we may prolong our life, but really we are just fertilizer yet to be realized. 

My father was finally awake and alert just before I had to catch my plane back.  Though the paranoia from two weeks of lucid dreaming and the financial stress had just begun to set in it was good to see him awake.  It was nice to know that he was still in there, and that his body wasn’t just an empty shell.  Sadly though it looks like there isn’t going to be much left of him.  They said his heart attack was bad.  So bad that if he hadn’t felt sick and gone to the hospital before it happend he never would have even survived.  He had to be resuscitated three times and he retains less than 30% of his heart function.  Two weeks in ICU doesn’t leave much that isn’t atrophy.  He’ll be another month in rehab to learn to walk and to write.  Even then I don’t know how he will support himself.  Like me my father worked every day of his life and never saw any other goal than to go to workand dream of the day he could retire.  Working with his hands is pretty much out of the question now so aside from bieng alive there isn’t much life left for him. 

Deep down inside I truly am a monster.  I’m not thinking how great it is that he survived or anything like that.  I’m thinking about how I can support him when his debt far exceeds the level that my income can cover.  Its not all bad because I do care enough to think about him.  I just know that my heart isn’t in the right place.