lonecity.com

With money getting tighter and tighter its been a while since I visited the grocery store.  One thing I can always count on is that there is always a cheap meal left somewhere in the house.  I stockpile things like macaroni & cheese and ramen noodles.  So with the recent downturn in my ability to make ends meet the family has been working its way closer to the bottom of the pantry.  Finally today I had to give in and spend some money on household items.  We just can’t do without toilet paper.

Bieng the fourth of july weekend there has been lots going on and most everyone has been eating away from home at some party or another.  I suppose the family has caught on that there really isnt anything of substance left in the fridge.  You sort of reach a point where you go sure there’s food in there, but not anything I want to eat.  Its not the point where hunger has taken over and you will eat whatever fills you.  Its also not the point where something appetizing is calling you to eat a snack between meals.  Its a happy sad medium somewhere between them.

I put the trip to the store off until after midnight on saturday evening.  You can say what you want about only crazy people bieng out in the middle of the night doing god knows what.  I personally think its the other way around.  Those of us who know just how sick the world has gotten feel more comfortable bieng out after all the daytime crazy folks go to bed.  With the weather reaching the hundred degree mark daily its been increasingly uncomfortable to do anything.  I took the drive the long way around the airport through the desert scenery on the way to the store and it was quite pleasant.

This brings me to the topic of todays blog.  For many years I worked graveyard shift with just one other person.  It was a very sad existance to make so little and yet I didn’t want to leave.  I had found a comfortable zone.  Factors beyond my control finally made me move onto a better paying but more stressfull job.  With all the money problems of late and the job problems to boot, I have been looking for something that pays even better.  We all know the reality that better pay equals more stress. 

It was only for a few brief minutes during the drive, but in that time I realized I had lost something.  If you’ve ever watched the movie the matrix there is this concept of the whole world bieng changed.  One minute you are doing something, and the next the whole world changes by a bit and you find yourself doing something else.  You never really know what changed, but things just feel out of place.  dejavu is the short term concept that embodies this feeling.  What I felt was different but along a similar parallel.  I clearly remember hating my poor paycheck and not minding the work so much back then.  I guess the name for what came over me is nostalgia.

I’ve never spent much time thinking about freedom and what it means to me.  With independance day just passed I guess I probably should have.  Not that anyone does.  They are all just looking for a reason or an excuse to party.  Thats the true american tradition.  Still tonight I thought about freedom.  You see somewhere along the way I gave it up and I didn’t even know it.  I knew something didn’t feel right and I still have my free will.  I just lost the ability to enact that free will by the power of overwhelming consequences.  Every day I have to get up and go to a job because I have to have the income.  Sure I am free to choose my job but when the choices are rock vs hardplace it doesn’t seem right.

The truly sad part about this whole conformity issue is that I don’t remember getting anything in trade for the freedom I apparently sold.  I am going to escape the debt and I am going to buy back my freedom.  I’m determined to keep my pride and not resort to bieng a common criminal or a thug to do it.  I work hard every day and then work harder every evening.  But if it should come to pass that someday I have to choose between my pride and my freedom I guess its my pride I will sell. 

If you could do something unethical and with it garner enough reward to be truly free would you?  I guess its a good thing that I don’t know of anything illicit that I could pull off to get rich.  I don’t think I’d make a very good drug dealer.  (not much of a people person)  I’m sure I could handle prostitution, but I can’t imagine anyone buying…  Armed robbery isnt my style.  (and I can’t afford the gun)  I guess I’m glad things haven’t gotten to the point where I don’t see any hope.  I could become quite the monster if backed into a corner.

A few weeks back I posted about how I wanted to try and create an alternate identity.  My plan is to save up enough cash and start making moves to turn this into a reality.  I really feel bad about starting that project and then stopping so quickly.  I was thinking I could contribute a few hundred bucks a month to making it happen.  (all of my expendable income)  However after balancing all the books and seeing the result I realized just how bad things have gotten.  My expendable income isn’t a few hundred bucks a month anymore.  In fact If I don’t give up on some of the extras like the cable tv I’m faced with my costs exceeding my income. 

I had a pretty good chunk of cash in the checking account at the first of the year so I decided to pay the house payment in advance by a few months.  I probably shouldn’t have because that’s what threw me off.  I didn’t realize how much my costs were getting out of hand because I wasn’t watching so closely with the house payment already paid up.  I also wasn’t watching spending as much as I should have.  Now that the house isn’t paid ahead anymore I’m starting to see the savings deplete by a few hundred dollars a month.    I’ve got to turn that around before the balance turns negative.

I guess its time to get serious and start putting real effort into finding a better job.  I just really don’t want to because it get me further away from my real goal.  Reclaiming my freedom.